Chelsea Peretti

Twitter submitted avatar photoshops and drawings HIGH SHARK/WOLF CONTENT

2011-11-13T19:22:00.007-05:00

FROM @erinutech:

FROM @SneakyPlatzer:

FROM @jkuca:

FROM @Oliver_Phi:

FROM @babyianpotpie

FROM @madisonjsparks:

FROM @J_Derm:

FROM @cheapreward:

FROM @czhooker:

FROM @WandOfSupercool

FROM @simondotcalm:

FROM @dogstain:

FROM @the_akiniti

FROM @TontarQuaQua:

FROM @skipnill:

FROM @eddiegartland:

Danse Russe, by William Carlos Williams

2011-07-17T05:01:00.001-05:00

If I when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame-white disc
in silken mists
above shining trees,
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
"I am lonely, lonely.
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"
If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades,

Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?

Made some art

2011-02-16T00:33:00.000-05:00

Internet information

2011-01-31T21:16:00.003-05:00

I would like to correct two incorrect things that appear online: 1. I am not married and never have been. 2. I live in Los Angeles. Moved here from NY about 2 years ago. OK! Bye, internet! From, Chelsea Peretti

MY HALF HOUR SPECIAL AIRS ON COMEDY CENTRAL THIS FRI, JAN. 28TH AT 11pm!

2011-01-26T20:04:00.007-05:00

HELP GET THE WORD OUT AND POST THESE COOL FLYERS AROUND THE INTERNET (AND PHYSICALLY PRINT THEM AND STAPLE THEM TO PEOPLE IN YOUR TOWN)!

If you already recorded this -- PLEASE NOTE it was initially listed incorrectly in many places (as starting at 11:30) but it does not -- it starts at *11PM* no matter what any listing may say. Many listings have now been corrected. BYE!

2011-01-06T02:31:00.000-05:00

Look at these hilarious photoshops

2010-06-27T13:06:00.002-05:00

Attention other tenants! The laundry room just got a liiiiiittle more funner

2010-06-22T00:47:00.002-05:00

Click photos to see bigger...

PR FAIL

2010-05-12T19:41:00.001-05:00

What a great tip!

2010-03-29T19:45:00.002-05:00

Spot the Difference!

2010-01-27T02:01:00.003-05:00

Look very closely, are you able to spot any differences between these two pictures?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ans: One is Imelda Marcos and one is Lil Kim, I can't remember which is which

Based on the FAQs, seems like a rock solid product

2010-01-08T06:02:00.006-05:00

Do the people at Magic Bullet know they don't need to use the specific language of irate customers in their FAQ?

2009-12-27T06:44:00.000-05:00

SHAC IN LA 1/9/10 @ 10pm! COME

2009-12-22T12:34:00.000-05:00

MySpace Treasure Trove

2009-12-08T20:13:00.008-05:00

Awesome photo album title / photo combo!

Let's not click in. It's more fun to guess what the goal was.

Was the goal:

To look top heavy?
To be double pear-shaped, upper torso-wise?
To dwarf own head via tit circumf?
To weaken legacy of Dolly Parton?
To put mom's portrait in locket (r.i.p.)?
Chopstick arms?
Or was it full completion of buttoning of shirt task and related shirt buttoning responsibilities?

My grandmother hates me

2009-11-24T20:03:00.002-05:00

Jk homiez 4 life

Happy Holidays everyone, from a trusting and spirited person (me, on right).

2009-11-23T20:40:00.000-05:00

Joyeux Noel in advance!

I used to skate

2009-10-31T18:35:00.000-05:00

Look what I found

2009-10-31T18:31:00.002-05:00

DC Bentzen Ball comedy festival OCT 22nd-25th

2009-10-21T02:44:00.001-05:00

More info here

Accept no substitutions

2009-10-15T03:48:00.001-05:00

http://twitter.com/ChelseaVPeretti

DON'T FORGET THE "V" in the middle. A spammer has my name so I had to add middle initial.

THANKS!

Bye!

Chelsea V. Peretti

A Pair of Songs

2009-10-02T00:00:00.005-05:00

Jpg bonanza

2009-10-01T16:10:00.010-05:00

I was getting deep into depression jpgs such as the following:

My friend in IM was bitching that the whole depression meme online is tired, he's sick of it bro! So I did a 180 and found these treasures for his ass.

I guess depression ain't half bad after all, is it. Who doesn't miss the dark side after one glance at that beautiful day jpg?

Then I got sidetracked on a "feminism" trip.

Man, stupid feminism is a great genre of jpg! Internet, let's get married...and then divorced and be alone forever. Okay...one more depression pic.

Bye life!

PS jpg

Click number 2 to see number 1

2009-09-19T01:03:00.001-05:00

Yes

2009-09-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

Yes Rihanna yes

MORE BINGO

2009-04-02T01:35:00.004-05:00

What kind of dog only has one friend?

BINGO BINGO BINGO BINGO BINGO BINGO BINGO BINGO BINGO yes

Chicken Crepes Diane AND Confetti Cole Slaw all for under $12??!

Yes on all counts

2009-03-29T04:52:00.001-05:00

2009-03-25T04:15:00.001-05:00

2009-03-25T04:13:00.000-05:00

Double NO option??

2009-03-10T18:22:00.002-05:00

Is god running facebook now???!

Photos for use

2009-03-09T02:55:00.009-05:00

Chelsea Peretti

Chelsea Peretti

Chelsea Peretti

Chelsea Peretti

Chelsea Peretti

Chelsea Peretti

Chelsea Peretti

Chelsea Peretti

These photos
are available under CC BY-SA.

Fun winter so far!

2009-03-03T22:47:00.009-05:00

Just kidding everything's great.

SEE?!

In closing:

bye, NY see you later gator

2009-03-01T05:23:00.002-05:00

HERE I GOOOoooooooooo

3rd photo text

Variety Shac group featured on Current

2009-02-28T00:24:00.002-05:00

Check it out - info and behind the scene footage about our monthly show!

More at VarietyShac.com

Tonight 8pm Happy Ending Lounge - How I Learned reading series

2009-02-25T14:30:00.005-05:00

This evening I'll be reading at this monthly reading series. This month's theme is: "How I Learned That Everyone Is Against Me." Come hear what I have to say on this wonderful topic.

Happy Ending
302 Broome Street (between Forsyth & Eldridge)

8pm

http://howilearnedathappyending.blogspot.com/

See you tonight....

Tenderly,
Chelsea

"Hm, I feel like I don't relate to anyone..."

OWEN!!!!!!!! YOU DID IT, OWEN!

2009-02-25T12:31:00.008-05:00

NAIROBI (AFP)- A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old tortoise in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa, officials said the hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean , then forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.

'It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother',' ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park , told AFP.

'After it was swept away and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately , it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep together,' the ecologist added. 'The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it followed its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother Kahumbu added.

Fourth option, a write-in:

2009-02-24T22:34:00.002-05:00

Here's a salad I made

2009-02-24T22:31:00.000-05:00

Isn't that hilarious? Comedy blog

YAY! FRIENDSHIP

2009-02-24T22:09:00.003-05:00

Life is terrible but friends help it be more fun!

Here's a portrait of me and Coffee

2009-02-24T12:51:00.002-05:00

Bye bye

2009-02-24T11:36:00.000-05:00

"LOOK!"
"Would you beLIEVE it?!"
"Bang, here ya go-"
"He won't get up from that"
"OH NO! That's what we were worried about!"
"He was out before he hit the floor"

I imagine the boxer's dialogue with friends and fam while watching it:
"No I wasn't out before I hit the floor."
"I remember the hit."
"I remember seeing the floor sooo...how could I have been out already?"
"I mean there's nothing wrong if I was I'm just saying it's not possible."

Here is how unstoppable confidence looks

2009-02-23T16:14:00.001-05:00

No thanks, I'll stick with:

Life

2009-02-21T19:16:00.001-05:00

My bday speech is similar

2009-02-20T17:44:00.001-05:00

Sing it. Yes

2009-02-19T11:55:00.000-05:00

Cornbread

2009-02-19T02:04:00.002-05:00

This tasted good. I made it this morning.

Whole Grain Corn Bread
1 ¼ cups all-purpose flour
¾ cup whole grain corn flour
¼ cup sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 cup skim or 1% milk
¼ cup canola oil
1 egg, beaten

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Coat an 8 x 8 inch pan with nonstick cooking spray. In a medium bowl, combine first four ingredients with a wire whisk. Add the remaining 3 ingredients, stirring just until moistened. Pour batter into greased pan and bake for 20 – 25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Makes 9 servings.

I only want friends

2009-02-17T13:29:00.002-05:00

Is that okay?

Feb is the month of LOVE

2009-02-02T16:29:00.005-05:00

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...

Flight, geese, PETA

2009-01-16T12:06:00.003-05:00

2 be included in my next writing packet

2009-01-15T22:19:00.004-05:00

A bunch of stuff like this

Busy, busy, busy...

2008-12-19T21:09:00.005-05:00

Resolved:

Watch here

Different version

NOOOOOooooooOOOOOOooOOoo

2008-12-12T17:47:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it's crucial to spell things out

2008-12-10T20:31:00.003-05:00

ON THE FENCE ABOUT SOMETHING?

2008-12-04T00:11:00.003-05:00

Phil Collins walk on music at UCB

2008-11-20T16:13:00.003-05:00

Look at this lawyer in his eyewear

2008-11-13T21:40:00.004-05:00

"Allow me to represent you...Gimme a shot."

He has a cameo in this important video about a serious crime

Those sunglasses rule the roost. It's like he combed the earth searching for the douchiest, lawyeriest sunglasses in existence and BANG found 'em.

Ha politics

2008-11-13T17:56:00.000-05:00

Another classic exchange

2008-11-10T14:59:00.001-05:00

New life ahead

2008-09-20T18:37:00.000-05:00

This weak product used to be my best friend

2008-09-20T18:33:00.002-05:00

"Used to be my homie, used to be my ace. Now I wanna slap the taste out your mouth..."
-Doctor Dre

The internet is such a romantic setting

2008-09-19T16:10:00.002-05:00

Louise Scrymgeour brings it every time. She just captures something essential about the human condition. I read her love poems and for those few moments I actually believe that love is possible.

I think the design of this website ( lovepoemsandquotes.com) is also really crystallizing something about love, particularly these navigation buttons:

When people go idle in IM it brings up my dad issues

2008-09-12T17:16:00.004-05:00

But hey, what doesn't bring up my dad issues, AM I RIGHT PEOPLE??! Dadddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyy whhhyyyyyyy

Danny

2008-08-26T11:38:00.001-05:00

Weekly Evil Obama VP picks

2008-08-21T17:53:00.000-05:00

AUGUST 19TH crazy good show

2008-08-12T03:46:00.003-05:00

JOIN THE VARIETY SHAC's HEATHER LAWLESS, CHELSEA PERETTI, ANDREA ROSEN, AND SHONALI BHOWMIK (WITH HER BAND TIGERS AND MONKEYS)

AT THE KNITTING FACTORY, 8PM DOORS

WITH
JIM GAFFIGAN
TODD BARRY
and
AN EXTRA SPECIAL SURPRISE GUEST

$12

Show info and tickets.

THAT'S TUESDAY AUGUST 19TH, TUESDAY IS THE OPTIMAL NIGHT FOR A SHOW OF THIS MAGNITUDE.

Another great Comical Radio interview

2008-08-12T03:44:00.001-05:00

Here's the other one:

Two classics.

Aw yeah!

2008-07-28T18:32:00.000-05:00

This is where my computer's head is at...

2008-07-26T17:16:00.003-05:00

Live at Gotham clip

2008-07-22T14:37:00.001-05:00

Do you have big, cool stylish sunglasses that you've been sporting all summer long? This is for you...

2008-07-05T01:52:00.000-05:00

Discarded portion of photo shoot (as a gif)

2008-06-02T17:46:00.004-05:00

Here's a little gif from me to you:

SLOW

Photo: Orlando Behar

FAST

Photo: Orlando Behar

Do you like it fast or slow? Write your answer on a little piece of paper and flush it down the toilet, because that's what we're doing with our time here.

Many thanks to Max Silvestri, who graciously turned this photo trio into a gif for me after I harrassed him via gchat for 10 hours a day every day for a few weeks as a little reminder that I'd like to see the series as a gif.

Why am I so into the idea of a gif in the age of digital video.

Comedy Central's LIVE AT GOTHAM - clip online

2008-05-28T16:28:00.002-05:00

Two Chihuahuas

2008-05-24T17:22:00.003-05:00

The Crif Dog Chihuahua

(Image via Foodite.com)

My old friend Chupa the Chihuahua

A radio bit wherein I try to be a butler for Jamie Johnson of "Born Rich" documentary fame

2008-05-09T15:25:00.007-05:00

LISTEN!

LISTEN!

When the going gets rough, I wish I were this dog

2008-04-23T00:39:00.003-05:00

I like any dog-in-pool behavior that plays like an animated gif.

Also this:

Variety Shac Thurs 4/3 9:30pm

2008-04-01T08:11:00.002-05:00

Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, 307 W 26th St

SHAC:
Heather Lawless, Chelsea Peretti, Andrea Rosen, Shonali Bhowmik.

With:
Danny Cohen and Matt Higgins

Show sponsored by The Sound of Young America

You've been waiting....and now Chelsea Peretti sounds off on March Madness !!

2008-03-27T22:40:00.002-05:00

Via Comedy Central insider

More printer friendly version

2008-02-28T23:20:00.001-05:00

BUY TIX ONLINE NOW!!!

BUY TIX ONLINE NOW!!!

Tell everyone you know, and attend this show

2008-02-27T04:38:00.003-05:00

please repost

variety shac's heather lawless, andrea rosen, chelsea peretti, and shonali bhowmik

PLUS!

comedy guests:
Jim Gaffigan
Brent Weinbach
John Roberts

musical guest:
Justice of the Unicorns

Such a good show.

BUY TIX ONLINE NOW!!!

Sheer idiocy

2008-02-19T18:20:00.003-05:00

I think the shirt/vest/hat combo here is what gets me, but also just thinking about the number of manhours that went into this...I also love that a room full of people are clapping in support. Lots of the "dancing" is very subtle...more leg lifting while the dog does the work. And very long. In short, an excellent vid.

Here's a second vid for the IM test audience that thought that first one was "BORING"!!!!!! Take THIS, skeptics! A MOODY DANCE NUMBER THAT INCLUDES A CHOREOGRAPHED FIGHT SCENE WITH A SWORD:

!!!!

New SHAC short: Hot Apple Cider!

2008-02-18T03:41:00.001-05:00

Favorite dogs: lower left, lower right

2008-02-10T21:41:00.000-05:00

Another Product in American Product History....the PED EGG!

2008-02-09T20:29:00.000-05:00

Shave years off your feet with this revolutionary product.

You know how you're always saying stuff like: "Damn it I broke another pair of socks on my heel!" This is the product that helps with that. But don't listen to me, listen to Joan M.:

Joan M. - NY
“I could not believe what I saw when I dumped the shavings after just one use. Now my skin does look and feel smooth. Great product.”

WATCH THE PROMOTIONAL VIDEO! Wait it out for the shave dump.

"timber, do your best talent! timber!! do your best talent"

2008-01-22T01:11:00.000-05:00

YES!

2008-01-22T00:49:00.001-05:00

I CANNOT GET ENOUGH - THOUGH THESE ARE A ZILLION MINUTES LONG EACH, I WISH THEY WERE A FEW LONGER...

2008-01-22T00:29:00.001-05:00

ALL MY EXES #6: ZE FRANK

2008-01-17T12:07:00.000-05:00

Here is Episode #6, featuring Ze Frank!

Hope you enjoy.

Need to catch up? WATCH EPISODES 1-5 OF "ALL MY EXES" HERE.

This hotel review was pretty helpful

2008-01-09T01:42:00.001-05:00

My fingers hurt from clicking

2008-01-07T11:59:00.000-05:00

Trainwreck

2008-01-03T02:22:00.001-05:00

I have been cracking up the last 10 minutes or so, after accidentally coming across google images for the word "trainwreck." I am going to im them to the next person who ims me a shitty joke.

Take a gander:

I love the tiny people standing around trying to make sense of it all. Small confused witnesses add insult to injury:

You can save these pix to your computer and im them to your loved ones when they fail at humor. Just be sure to credit that you stole the bit from one of America's top comedians. Just kidding, I'm worthless. Just kidding. I'm a worker among workers.

One time I side-swiped a bus in Oakland and the people sitting in the back had the nerve to pop their heads out the window to check for damage. I wish I had a long stick with a floppy rubber hand on the end of it so I could've slapped them in their face for the gall of it all.

ALL MY EXES #5: FRED AND AMY

2008-01-02T11:45:00.000-05:00

Hope you enjoy it! (If you did, give it a bunch of hearts on their 5-heart rating scale.)

Another thing you can vote for is the ECNY Awards, here. I've been nominated in the category of Best Female Standup Comedian.

************************
MOST IMPORTANTLY:

Come to the Variety Shac at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (307 W. 26th St.)

This Thursday, January 3rd at 9:30pm

With special guests:

Bonnie McFarlane.

AND

Todd Barry

Plus a new short film!

JOIN US!

************************

Xo,
Chelsea

Animated SHAC - New Years vid

2007-12-27T17:45:00.000-05:00

"Vid" is short for video. Scott Bateman did this to us.

2007-12-18T01:55:00.000-05:00

CP Nominated

2007-12-13T18:30:00.000-05:00

Vote

Happy Holidays

2007-12-06T01:37:00.000-05:00

Tons of EXTRAS plus the entire collection of shorts, fullsize!

CLICK HERE, RATHER...I think blogger won't allow a gif to be a link to an external site.

Variety Shac at UCB Thursday (12/6), 9:30pm

2007-12-05T02:11:00.000-05:00

Come.2.An.Awesome.Show.

Shac is:
music / comedy / short film

From:
chelsea peretti / heather lawless / andrea rosen / shonali bhowmik

Plus, special guests:
john mulaney / john roberts / maria borgia

Only $5

307 w 26th st

9:30pm

BUY TIX IN ADVANCE

In general, I despise cats

2007-12-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

Here is one that I like:

Tonight (12/3)

2007-12-03T11:32:00.000-05:00

Doing Gabe and Jenny's show
@ Rififi (332 E. 11th St)
8:30pm

It is a bad sign when you're googling this at 3 in the morning:

2007-11-29T03:01:00.000-05:00

What are you dreaming up, really?

This times a thousand? A festival of this?

BULLY GUY VOICE INSIDE:
Get a fuckin life, Peretti.

SENSITIVE HOT LEADING MAN VOICE INSIDE (running to catch up, slightly out of breath, flush of youth in his cheeks):
Wait! Peretti! Don't be so mean to yourself. It's a beautiful dream.

This Thursday, NOVEMBER 29TH, 10pm

2007-11-27T02:30:00.000-05:00

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